2018....you can SUCK IT.

If there were ever a year that I would like to bury in the ground, down six feet...in a 6-foot thick steel coffin...it would be 2018.

This year sucked and sucked terribly.

I can't think of a worse year.  And I've had cancer!! I certainly don't want cancer back. Nope. But 2018 makes that year pale in comparison. Not that 2013, the year I had breast cancer, was easy. But that year I at least was able to maintain hope.

2018?  I had the hope beaten straight out of me.

I'm trying to find hope now that we're in a new year. But the changing of a calendar doesn't magically bring newness.  Just a new number to write at the end of checks.  Which I don't even write often.

Anyhow.  I don't intend this blog to be cranky, complain all the time blog. I really don't. But 2018 has to be put to rest.

I looked at my earlier blog posts in this "new blog," and they seemed full of hope. But, honestly, that last one was desperate. I was desperate for abundant thinking.

My words for 2018 were freedom and abundance. And I got both. Just not in the way I was thinking. I got freedom from having money, having confidence, having a biz partner (dumped me for someone else), having peace, having....oh geez what else?

I started 2018 full of hope. Full of the belief that this was going to be a better year and that all the issues that plagued our family were finally going to get better.

My business was finally going to take off.  My biz partner was my dream biz partner, and we had so many plans. We found new clients. I put in hundreds of hours. She put in hundreds of hours. And by year end we had made more money, but she also found a new, easier way to find clients, adventure and she started a new business. She says she knew she didn't like to be tied down but she started a new business with someone else.  Who I introduced her to. Feels like being stabbed in the heart. I suspect my difficult life was one she couldn't handle either. That is something I wouldn't blame her for. But she dragged me along thinking that I was going to be a big part of this new adventure and that I wasn't a partner because the other person had money to invest and she knew I did not...I think she just wanted to be free of all the drama in my life. I would like to be free of it.

She created this new partnership at the height of the drama in my life. Drama I did not create. Drama I had zero control over. And the timing was enormously painful for me.  I find myself clenching my teeth every time I think of this. It's this flip-flop of I get it and I am so pissed off.  I told her I wish her the very best success but honestly, I think this new adventure has the possibility of nose-diving. She has no fricking clue how much work goes on behind the scenes of creating a business. She has no fricking clue how much I did behind the scenes to keep things moving and how many times I fixed her mistakes and never said a word because I didn't want her to feel nitpicked. But now, I wish I had said something. Only so she knew how much time I put in.

I don't regret working with her.  No way. I learned where my brilliance lies. Where my skills lie.  Where my skills don't lie. I know that I can figure just about anything out if I put my mind to it. I am really, really good at some things and not so good at others. She and I balanced each other so perfectly well. We thought the same about so many things but were good at opposite things.  I did learn a tremendous amount, and for that I am grateful.

But I still feel stabbed in the heart. What horrible timing when my daughter is such a mess.

Yup....my daughter.  The biggest heartache of my year.

My daughter has had a load of emotional issues for years. But 2018 was an escalation of problems.  Right down into the depth of hell.

We got her a new therapist this year who really did her no good (how does one find a competent therapist anyhow - they all seem sort of lackluster only interested in applying antiquated theories of psychology).  By years end my daughter had been 5150's twice. In four weeks. So many things happened over 2018 that just dragged her down to the lowest depths. Things I cannot write about. I have her permission to talk about her stuff. But, there are still things I personally cannot write. They are too painful.

The first time she was 5150'd she impulsively swallowed a handful of pills.  We aren't even sure how many she took. Enough that we had to call an ambulance at 1:15am.  Thankfully she told us she did it. But we also discovered she was cutting and there was a blood-soaked paper towel.

Turns out she is bipolar, has an unspecified eating disorder and has PTSD.

Poor kid.  I love her so much, and it is so hard to see her in such pain.

We've got her on medication, and overall she is so much better.  But, these medications come with other issues. But, it's better than her trying to kill herself.

Anything is better than that.  I think............

That night as she left in the ambulance I walked back to the house.  Almost in shock.  I could barely move my legs. They had stiffened up to the point that I was moving herky-jerky just trying to bend my knees but I couldn't.

For those of you who have gone through this, my heart goes out to you.

A week after my daughter was 5150'd and was out of inpatient we had to call 911 for a friend of hers who swallowed a handful of pills.

6 days later another one of her friends was driven to the ER by her mom and 5150'd.

And then my daughter again 2 weeks later.

Of my friends, I have 6 people whose children have been 5150'd. I am realizing the epidemic of suicide in this country with our teens and my heart hurts deeply over it. I want to do something. But I don't know what to do. I wish I did.

Beyond my loss of a biz partner and my daughter's mental illness my husband went through a REALLY tough time in the spring. Self-employed and every single person who works for him quick and he had to replace them.  So stressful. He went through a midlife crisis, too, and for any woman who has gone through this with her husband, you will understand what I mean by suddenly EVERYTHING became my fault. We were never in love. Our marriage was NEVER good. Other women were catching his eye more than before. (Not like men ever stop having women catch their eye but it's what they do with that, right?) I do not know if my husband cheated on me in that timeframe.  I do not WANT to know.  All I know is I went on a crusade to do whatever I needed to do to save my marriage. He talked about divorce 2, 3, or 4 times. I don't recall how many. But in my heart, I knew that it was the anxiety, depression and frustration over his business that was causing our marriage to look like the only thing he could change.  Not that our marriage hasn't been hard.  For sure, it has. For me, too, but I knew deep down that he didn't REALLY want out.  And, our family NEEDED to stay together.

So, I did everything I could. But my heart and soul were deeply wounded.  Deeply.

But, as I sit here now on January 2, 2019?  That work paid off. My marriage is better than it ever has been and it is the ONE thing I feel most confident about.

What next?  What else about 2018 do I need to put to rest?

Finances.  Lord, have mercy, finances.  Yep. Talked about that before in my first blog post.

We made more money in 2018 but ended the year with a serious pile of debt and remember that part about my biz partner ditching me?  I also lost my primary source of income. I am also a personal trainer but through 2018 my biz partner encouraged me to focus solely on our business. She knew that health coaching was more lucrative and that it was were I wanted to focus, so I slowly started to shut down my personal training practice.  I stopped taking private clients. I stopped putting in a lot of work to advertise my bootcamps.  And, now, most everyone thinks I don't do private training any more.  Sure, I can start advertising again but that takes time and effort and it might be a while until I have more clients.

I know I sound like I'm just complaining. But, 2018 was so hard.

And if anyone says I have a victim mentality?  Seriously, fuck you.

You try living through my 2018.  See if you don't complain.

There are many more things I could put to rest for 2018. But these are the big ones:

Loss of my biz partner.
My daughter's mental health.
My husband's hurt and pain caused.
Finances.

2018 sucked.

2019 HAS TO BE BETTER.

HAS TO.

And, since I am not a victim, I will try to figure out what I need to do to make it the best 2019 I can.  It may not be perfect but I will not let 2018 define me.  I will allow it to teach me. I will allow it to show my strength. I'm still standing, aren't I?

At times I thought I would not be able to keep standing. I started the year medication free. By years end I am not on Zoloft with an occasional popping of Ativan.  In September and October, during the time my daughter was slowly dropping into hell and making our lives hell (not her fault, she is bipolar and a teen but it was hell), I nearly lost my mind.

I can still remember sitting at this vista point near my home, staring out at the city below, and thinking, I think they are going to need to commit me. Seriously, I thought I was LOSING my mind.

I didn't. Came close. But didn't.

I am STRONG.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, who is not strong would survive my 2018.

I do realize there are many "worse" things. But, honestly, what good does it do to compare our troubles to others. Painful times and things are simply that.  Painful.  Hard. Our own struggles.

I don't compare mine to others.  Not worse than yours, not easier.  Just painful.

So with that, I bring on, I welcome, 2019.

It will be better.  2018 you can suck it.  2019 is going to make you fade away into the distance. Leaving me only with lessons learned and strength acquired.

Peace out.

It's Right Under Your Nose

Abundant thinking is not something I have come by easily.  Before I keep going I want you to know that I aim to change that "lack thinking."  Just for the record, you know, lest I send out energy that suggests I want to keep my non-abundant thinking.  I do not.  Bring on the abundance!

I think, for many, maybe even most of us, the idea that the world is abundant and our lucky oyster is out there is ours to be found - and with ease - mind you - is nonsense.

Work hard. Get paid a little. Get to do cool stuff once in a while, if you're lucky.

I think we all have a tendency to look at all the ways we lack this, that, or the other thing rather than seeing all that is abundant.

Take the last 6 years, for instance. The first 3 of these years we watched our income drop like a stone. Hubby works in a job that's opposite the economy so if the economy is good, our income tends to shift south.  And vice versa.

6 years ago we started a sharp decline where our income dropped by half the first year, half from there the next and another 25% the next and another 25% the next.  Seriously. It's been mind blowing.

We have survived, though. And, in some ways we're better for it. But, I really do think it's time to shift this trend, redirect this train, move in a better direction.

It's been hard, though. So very stressful. We've had to take money from our savings. Pretty much drained all the non-retirement savings and dipped into the retirement, too.  That's not a pretty sight.  At all.  The taxes. Lord, have mercy. It's like a massive kick in the pants.

But, like I've said, in some ways we're better for it. I appreciate things more than I used to.

But, what I had creep into my thinking was that we are never going to recover, this debt we've amassed is going to hound us for years and that maybe we'll even lose our house.  There isn't enough money. We're broke. We're broke.  We are so very fucking broke.

It permeated my thinking. Came out of my mouth.

None of those have happened mind you. But it's like I kept waiting for the shoe to drop.

If you read my first blog you'll probably say this has a familiar ring to it.

Sometimes I've wondered if my focus on lack kept us in lack but it doesn't matter.  All I have is the here and now and the ability to move forward with new thinking.

Abundance thinking and manifestation is all the rage these days. I believe that a shift in thinking from there is lack all around is one of the keys to seeing all the abundance to be had.

Do I think that money grows on trees and I can just snap my fingers and have a new Lamborghini drop from the sky?  Nope. And, honestly, having a Lamborghini drop from the sky is all kinds of dangerous and who wants to see that poor car get all smashed up from that drop?  Maybe it can just drive up to me instead.  <grin>

Truthfully, I'm not totally certain where I sit with all this manifestation stuff.  I think it's more about noticing what IS and what's to be HAD instead of focusing on all the strife and trouble and lack.

How much do you think you've missed in the way of blessings because you were looking in the wrong direction?

Have you ever been out on the town and the next day your friend says to you, "Hey, I saw you at XYZ Restaurant when you were walking out the door."  You didn't see your friend because you weren't looking in the right direction.  You weren't expecting her to be there so you didn't keep your eyes peeled looking for her.

But she was there, right under your nose and you were oblivious to her presence. Just because you didn't see her doesn't mean she wasn't there. Your focus just wasn't on seeing her!

What if abundance and manifestation work the same way?  What if we were to tune into the belief that everywhere we go that there is abundance to be had. A gift waiting for us.  Something spectacularly awesome.

Does that mean everytime we walk out the door a pile of cash is going to drop into our laps?

Nope.  And, I think because we think that this manifestation thing always has something to do with money that we miss all the other abundances and gifts that come our way.

So, even though our current financial situation is not where we would like it to be. I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for the abundance that DOES exist.  There is no lack for really anything in this world no matter how much the news wants to freak you the hell out.  Their job is to get a rise out of you in some way and unfortunately, they like to aim to get you angry, upset, ready to go to war over an issue, that honestly, you really just need to keep your nose out of and so do I.

So, I challenge you, for the next week, tell yourself every single morning, "I've got my eyes peeled for all the abundance in my life. I'm going to open myself up to seeing and receiving and giving abundance all over the place."

And don't make the abundance about something specific.  Let the abundance show up in its own special way.

You just might be surprised what you see.

And that financial situation we're in?  I decided to shift my thinking.  Thankfully, before the sudden and sharp decline in our income we had saved quite a bit and the stock market has been amazing.  We have enough money in our retirement account to take care of us for more than a year if we never made another dime. Maybe even 2 years if we were really smart about it.

Not that I have any desire to use this money and our plan is to keep it there until we can take it out without paying a painful fine.

But, my thinking is going to change from we're broke, we're broke to we have what we need, we're going to be alright. This is all going to turn around and we will be just fine.

In fact, we're going to be ABUNDANTLY FINE.

It Only Took Me 9 Years

How to start a new blog?  What to say?  How does this thing begin?

It tried to begin 9 years ago when I was 39.  At that time I titled the blog What Do You Mean I Can't Say That?  And then I said nothing.  Not one single thing.

Pure silence.  For nine years.  And now I'm 48 and it's time to say what I want to say.

It's hard to not put this "oh, this has got to be an epic first blog" expectation on my shoulders. I mean, what if I write something and it's boring and no one wants to read it.

Well, I've decided who the hell cares if no one wants to read it. How many people have been held back from doing or having something great because they're concerned no one will care, it won't be big enough, or whatever?

Millions upon millions. That's who.  I aim to not be one of them.

I aim to be free.  I aim to go with what I believe I'm meant to do.

I think it's because I've been doing a lot of work on myself in the past 8 months.  I've been doing work on myself for years, actually, but I finally have come to the belief that things can change and I can have what I want to have and that what I want to have hasn't been figured out yet but I'm gonna.

We all hold ourselves back.  In one way or another we have programming that says, you can't have that, you can't be that, you can't......

And, most of the time that programming has been running underneath the surface forever and we aren't even aware it's there.

I've known for a while that I've had something holding me back. I could see the events, I knew some of the programming but I couldn't really put my finger on what I needed to do to fix it.

I needed new thinking. If I was going to forge a new path in my neurons that I can be, do, think what I want and that life has so much in store for me if I just would open my eyes to it.

I was adopted. And so many, and I mean so many, times in my life I've been told - THAT'S why you.....fill in the blank (have trouble with _______________). I was always told that being adopted was a gift. That it was good that my birthmother gave me up.  I've been quite hesitant to believe anything but that and I'm not giving up that thinking but I have come to believe that me, as that baby, way back then?  She didn't think it was so good.

OK, OK, I know. You're like - you weren't in a cognitive place back then. You didn't know any better.  So, you think that babies aren't aware when their mother is around? Ever seen a newborn baby, crying, be picked up by someone new, in an attempt to calm them and they pat them on the back, they rock them, they make soothing sounds and the baby keeps up its crying?  Then mama walks up and does the same thing. She holds them, pats them on the back, rocks the baby makes soothing sounds and the baby quiets and falls asleep contentedly in her arms.

This is who they trust.  This baby KNOWS her mom. Everything about the mom is known the moment that baby pops out.  There is comfort and safety in her mom.  Her smell. the sound of her mom's heart beat, the tones of her voice. It's where she belongs.  She doesn't need to be cognitive about this.  There's nothing cognitive about this. It's simply known.

Imagine that same baby, she's born and her mom doesn't even touch her. Born and removed. All that work to come out of the womb. All that time spent growing in her mother and suddenly, gone.  She knows it.  She doesn't need to be have the cognitive thought, my mother is no longer here. She feels the loss.  The impact of this doesn't end there.

I think I've been looking for things to fail all my life.  That thought, why put in all the effort, it isn't going to work out any way. And, I'm not enough to keep, I must not be enough for anyone.

You're probably saying, right, you carried on this thought from birth and separation from your mom?  That's crazy.

Well, I've seen this story play out over my entire life.  Over and over and over again. It's been the story running below the surface for a long time.

I spent a lot of time being told by the parents who raised me that I had so many great qualities, BUT. Always a but....  Hold back.  Don't fully be yourself. Be careful or you're offend them. You're strong but you're going to need to hold back.

I know my parents loved me but this wasn't the thing I needed to be told.  I wish I had been told - you've got so many great qualities.....we are excited to see how you use these qualities to be the best version of you. We know you're working out as you grow up the best way to be in this world to let these qualities shine.

I wonder if my parents realized that the BUT was going to negate all that good.

I spent a lot of my life believing that it didn't matter how hard I tried, what I wanted, any success....sooner or later it was going to go away.  Mostly because I was going to fuck it up.

I really didn't even know that was the story that was running below the surface or that it went far back to my birth.  My birthmother did the right thing. But the thinking was that if I stayed around she was going to be trapped in this life that she didn't want. That energy permeated me from the very beginning.

She wasn't trying to send me negative messages about me.  But energy has a way of seeping in even when we don't want it.

I can give you story after story after story where this thinking was running below the surface. I couldn't even see it all until I starting using a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique in sessions with a superstar EFT chick named Evelyn.  After 6 months of searching....it's like I was smacked in the face knowing.

I've been holding back because I believed I would sooner or later fuck it up so why even start.  Why GO ALL IN?  Why would I do that?

Well, here's the good news. I get to change that thinking. That story that has been running below the surface for years and years and years (48 to be exact).  I GET to change it.  I GET to create new thinking.  I GET to turn this ship around and point it towards success and abundance.

I'm not going to fuck it up. I have everything I need inside me right now to turn things around and bring the abundance and success just waiting to be had.

So, I'm bucking up against the norm. I get to say what I want.

No buts.