2018....you can SUCK IT.

If there were ever a year that I would like to bury in the ground, down six feet...in a 6-foot thick steel coffin...it would be 2018.

This year sucked and sucked terribly.

I can't think of a worse year.  And I've had cancer!! I certainly don't want cancer back. Nope. But 2018 makes that year pale in comparison. Not that 2013, the year I had breast cancer, was easy. But that year I at least was able to maintain hope.

2018?  I had the hope beaten straight out of me.

I'm trying to find hope now that we're in a new year. But the changing of a calendar doesn't magically bring newness.  Just a new number to write at the end of checks.  Which I don't even write often.

Anyhow.  I don't intend this blog to be cranky, complain all the time blog. I really don't. But 2018 has to be put to rest.

I looked at my earlier blog posts in this "new blog," and they seemed full of hope. But, honestly, that last one was desperate. I was desperate for abundant thinking.

My words for 2018 were freedom and abundance. And I got both. Just not in the way I was thinking. I got freedom from having money, having confidence, having a biz partner (dumped me for someone else), having peace, having....oh geez what else?

I started 2018 full of hope. Full of the belief that this was going to be a better year and that all the issues that plagued our family were finally going to get better.

My business was finally going to take off.  My biz partner was my dream biz partner, and we had so many plans. We found new clients. I put in hundreds of hours. She put in hundreds of hours. And by year end we had made more money, but she also found a new, easier way to find clients, adventure and she started a new business. She says she knew she didn't like to be tied down but she started a new business with someone else.  Who I introduced her to. Feels like being stabbed in the heart. I suspect my difficult life was one she couldn't handle either. That is something I wouldn't blame her for. But she dragged me along thinking that I was going to be a big part of this new adventure and that I wasn't a partner because the other person had money to invest and she knew I did not...I think she just wanted to be free of all the drama in my life. I would like to be free of it.

She created this new partnership at the height of the drama in my life. Drama I did not create. Drama I had zero control over. And the timing was enormously painful for me.  I find myself clenching my teeth every time I think of this. It's this flip-flop of I get it and I am so pissed off.  I told her I wish her the very best success but honestly, I think this new adventure has the possibility of nose-diving. She has no fricking clue how much work goes on behind the scenes of creating a business. She has no fricking clue how much I did behind the scenes to keep things moving and how many times I fixed her mistakes and never said a word because I didn't want her to feel nitpicked. But now, I wish I had said something. Only so she knew how much time I put in.

I don't regret working with her.  No way. I learned where my brilliance lies. Where my skills lie.  Where my skills don't lie. I know that I can figure just about anything out if I put my mind to it. I am really, really good at some things and not so good at others. She and I balanced each other so perfectly well. We thought the same about so many things but were good at opposite things.  I did learn a tremendous amount, and for that I am grateful.

But I still feel stabbed in the heart. What horrible timing when my daughter is such a mess.

Yup....my daughter.  The biggest heartache of my year.

My daughter has had a load of emotional issues for years. But 2018 was an escalation of problems.  Right down into the depth of hell.

We got her a new therapist this year who really did her no good (how does one find a competent therapist anyhow - they all seem sort of lackluster only interested in applying antiquated theories of psychology).  By years end my daughter had been 5150's twice. In four weeks. So many things happened over 2018 that just dragged her down to the lowest depths. Things I cannot write about. I have her permission to talk about her stuff. But, there are still things I personally cannot write. They are too painful.

The first time she was 5150'd she impulsively swallowed a handful of pills.  We aren't even sure how many she took. Enough that we had to call an ambulance at 1:15am.  Thankfully she told us she did it. But we also discovered she was cutting and there was a blood-soaked paper towel.

Turns out she is bipolar, has an unspecified eating disorder and has PTSD.

Poor kid.  I love her so much, and it is so hard to see her in such pain.

We've got her on medication, and overall she is so much better.  But, these medications come with other issues. But, it's better than her trying to kill herself.

Anything is better than that.  I think............

That night as she left in the ambulance I walked back to the house.  Almost in shock.  I could barely move my legs. They had stiffened up to the point that I was moving herky-jerky just trying to bend my knees but I couldn't.

For those of you who have gone through this, my heart goes out to you.

A week after my daughter was 5150'd and was out of inpatient we had to call 911 for a friend of hers who swallowed a handful of pills.

6 days later another one of her friends was driven to the ER by her mom and 5150'd.

And then my daughter again 2 weeks later.

Of my friends, I have 6 people whose children have been 5150'd. I am realizing the epidemic of suicide in this country with our teens and my heart hurts deeply over it. I want to do something. But I don't know what to do. I wish I did.

Beyond my loss of a biz partner and my daughter's mental illness my husband went through a REALLY tough time in the spring. Self-employed and every single person who works for him quick and he had to replace them.  So stressful. He went through a midlife crisis, too, and for any woman who has gone through this with her husband, you will understand what I mean by suddenly EVERYTHING became my fault. We were never in love. Our marriage was NEVER good. Other women were catching his eye more than before. (Not like men ever stop having women catch their eye but it's what they do with that, right?) I do not know if my husband cheated on me in that timeframe.  I do not WANT to know.  All I know is I went on a crusade to do whatever I needed to do to save my marriage. He talked about divorce 2, 3, or 4 times. I don't recall how many. But in my heart, I knew that it was the anxiety, depression and frustration over his business that was causing our marriage to look like the only thing he could change.  Not that our marriage hasn't been hard.  For sure, it has. For me, too, but I knew deep down that he didn't REALLY want out.  And, our family NEEDED to stay together.

So, I did everything I could. But my heart and soul were deeply wounded.  Deeply.

But, as I sit here now on January 2, 2019?  That work paid off. My marriage is better than it ever has been and it is the ONE thing I feel most confident about.

What next?  What else about 2018 do I need to put to rest?

Finances.  Lord, have mercy, finances.  Yep. Talked about that before in my first blog post.

We made more money in 2018 but ended the year with a serious pile of debt and remember that part about my biz partner ditching me?  I also lost my primary source of income. I am also a personal trainer but through 2018 my biz partner encouraged me to focus solely on our business. She knew that health coaching was more lucrative and that it was were I wanted to focus, so I slowly started to shut down my personal training practice.  I stopped taking private clients. I stopped putting in a lot of work to advertise my bootcamps.  And, now, most everyone thinks I don't do private training any more.  Sure, I can start advertising again but that takes time and effort and it might be a while until I have more clients.

I know I sound like I'm just complaining. But, 2018 was so hard.

And if anyone says I have a victim mentality?  Seriously, fuck you.

You try living through my 2018.  See if you don't complain.

There are many more things I could put to rest for 2018. But these are the big ones:

Loss of my biz partner.
My daughter's mental health.
My husband's hurt and pain caused.
Finances.

2018 sucked.

2019 HAS TO BE BETTER.

HAS TO.

And, since I am not a victim, I will try to figure out what I need to do to make it the best 2019 I can.  It may not be perfect but I will not let 2018 define me.  I will allow it to teach me. I will allow it to show my strength. I'm still standing, aren't I?

At times I thought I would not be able to keep standing. I started the year medication free. By years end I am not on Zoloft with an occasional popping of Ativan.  In September and October, during the time my daughter was slowly dropping into hell and making our lives hell (not her fault, she is bipolar and a teen but it was hell), I nearly lost my mind.

I can still remember sitting at this vista point near my home, staring out at the city below, and thinking, I think they are going to need to commit me. Seriously, I thought I was LOSING my mind.

I didn't. Came close. But didn't.

I am STRONG.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, who is not strong would survive my 2018.

I do realize there are many "worse" things. But, honestly, what good does it do to compare our troubles to others. Painful times and things are simply that.  Painful.  Hard. Our own struggles.

I don't compare mine to others.  Not worse than yours, not easier.  Just painful.

So with that, I bring on, I welcome, 2019.

It will be better.  2018 you can suck it.  2019 is going to make you fade away into the distance. Leaving me only with lessons learned and strength acquired.

Peace out.