How to start a new blog? What to say? How does this thing begin?
It tried to begin 9 years ago when I was 39. At that time I titled the blog What Do You Mean I Can't Say That? And then I said nothing. Not one single thing.
Pure silence. For nine years. And now I'm 48 and it's time to say what I want to say.
It's hard to not put this "oh, this has got to be an epic first blog" expectation on my shoulders. I mean, what if I write something and it's boring and no one wants to read it.
Well, I've decided who the hell cares if no one wants to read it. How many people have been held back from doing or having something great because they're concerned no one will care, it won't be big enough, or whatever?
Millions upon millions. That's who. I aim to not be one of them.
I aim to be free. I aim to go with what I believe I'm meant to do.
I think it's because I've been doing a lot of work on myself in the past 8 months. I've been doing work on myself for years, actually, but I finally have come to the belief that things can change and I can have what I want to have and that what I want to have hasn't been figured out yet but I'm gonna.
We all hold ourselves back. In one way or another we have programming that says, you can't have that, you can't be that, you can't......
And, most of the time that programming has been running underneath the surface forever and we aren't even aware it's there.
I've known for a while that I've had something holding me back. I could see the events, I knew some of the programming but I couldn't really put my finger on what I needed to do to fix it.
I needed new thinking. If I was going to forge a new path in my neurons that I can be, do, think what I want and that life has so much in store for me if I just would open my eyes to it.
I was adopted. And so many, and I mean so many, times in my life I've been told - THAT'S why you.....fill in the blank (have trouble with _______________). I was always told that being adopted was a gift. That it was good that my birthmother gave me up. I've been quite hesitant to believe anything but that and I'm not giving up that thinking but I have come to believe that me, as that baby, way back then? She didn't think it was so good.
OK, OK, I know. You're like - you weren't in a cognitive place back then. You didn't know any better. So, you think that babies aren't aware when their mother is around? Ever seen a newborn baby, crying, be picked up by someone new, in an attempt to calm them and they pat them on the back, they rock them, they make soothing sounds and the baby keeps up its crying? Then mama walks up and does the same thing. She holds them, pats them on the back, rocks the baby makes soothing sounds and the baby quiets and falls asleep contentedly in her arms.
This is who they trust. This baby KNOWS her mom. Everything about the mom is known the moment that baby pops out. There is comfort and safety in her mom. Her smell. the sound of her mom's heart beat, the tones of her voice. It's where she belongs. She doesn't need to be cognitive about this. There's nothing cognitive about this. It's simply known.
Imagine that same baby, she's born and her mom doesn't even touch her. Born and removed. All that work to come out of the womb. All that time spent growing in her mother and suddenly, gone. She knows it. She doesn't need to be have the cognitive thought, my mother is no longer here. She feels the loss. The impact of this doesn't end there.
I think I've been looking for things to fail all my life. That thought, why put in all the effort, it isn't going to work out any way. And, I'm not enough to keep, I must not be enough for anyone.
You're probably saying, right, you carried on this thought from birth and separation from your mom? That's crazy.
Well, I've seen this story play out over my entire life. Over and over and over again. It's been the story running below the surface for a long time.
I spent a lot of time being told by the parents who raised me that I had so many great qualities, BUT. Always a but.... Hold back. Don't fully be yourself. Be careful or you're offend them. You're strong but you're going to need to hold back.
I know my parents loved me but this wasn't the thing I needed to be told. I wish I had been told - you've got so many great qualities.....we are excited to see how you use these qualities to be the best version of you. We know you're working out as you grow up the best way to be in this world to let these qualities shine.
I wonder if my parents realized that the BUT was going to negate all that good.
I spent a lot of my life believing that it didn't matter how hard I tried, what I wanted, any success....sooner or later it was going to go away. Mostly because I was going to fuck it up.
I really didn't even know that was the story that was running below the surface or that it went far back to my birth. My birthmother did the right thing. But the thinking was that if I stayed around she was going to be trapped in this life that she didn't want. That energy permeated me from the very beginning.
She wasn't trying to send me negative messages about me. But energy has a way of seeping in even when we don't want it.
I can give you story after story after story where this thinking was running below the surface. I couldn't even see it all until I starting using a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique in sessions with a superstar EFT chick named Evelyn. After 6 months of searching....it's like I was smacked in the face knowing.
I've been holding back because I believed I would sooner or later fuck it up so why even start. Why GO ALL IN? Why would I do that?
Well, here's the good news. I get to change that thinking. That story that has been running below the surface for years and years and years (48 to be exact). I GET to change it. I GET to create new thinking. I GET to turn this ship around and point it towards success and abundance.
I'm not going to fuck it up. I have everything I need inside me right now to turn things around and bring the abundance and success just waiting to be had.
So, I'm bucking up against the norm. I get to say what I want.
No buts.
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